NOT the damned knife from World of Warcraft
SageClaw's Corner of the Internet
Preface
This game was a combination chat-room / gameshow. The greatest appeal of this game was only as good as the people you played with. I was lucky enough to find myself in with a fantastic group of people that had pretty much staked out the "Camelot" room within Acrophobia.
This story was my way of showing my appreciation for allowing me to be a part of the family.
If you have never played this game or knew the people I use as characters, you might not get a lot of the jokes. However, I feel that there is still enough humor left besides all of that, so it was worth keeping up here.*
*And to recover it from the wreckage of the old site and put it up as it was... well with the addition of this particular line. The only change is it's all at once on one page instead of the original page per chapter from the first site.
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
Approaching the entrance to the Castle of Camelot, ones attention is drawn to the signs that adorn the gateway.
ABANDON ALL DESPAIR ALL WHO ENTER HERE!
THIS IS A POOH FREE ZONE.
PLEASE WIPE YOUR FEET.
MAX CAPACITY - 14
SHIGGER EATS WORMS (this one is handwritten underneath the Max Capacity sign in what appears to be crayon... worse yet... worms is spelled wirmz)
The moat is just an empty trench that circles the Castle. Many efforts had been made to fill it with water and ferocious man eating alligators. Alas, with the water restricting shower heads installed in the Castle the best the occupants could do was make it somewhat moist. Then came the problem with finding alligators that would just eat men, turns out that they wouldn't distinguish between the sexes, so that was out. Not to mention the PETA protests about keeping alligators in a moist moat.
Said that would just be cruel.
Even though the Castle itself could easily hold thousands of people at any given time, the law of the land only allowed 14 people inside at one time. Many historians have tried to figure this one out but eventually just shrugged and went on to more noble pursuits of knowledge, like investigating crop circles or why Rosie O'Donnell is so popular.
Walking down the main hall, one eventually finds themselves in the Game Room. In most other Castles this would, more than likely, be called the Throne Room. In Camelot, as this is not a Monarchy, there is just the Game Room, where everyone of the allowed 14 meet. In place of a throne there is a Round Table (come on cut me some slack... it is Camelot for crying out loud) with 14 chairs equally spaced around it. Off to the side is a couch, equally as large as the Round Table, once again with room enough to fit 14 individuals. Other things found in the room in no particular order, the hot tub, giant fridge, open bar, a funny smelling hedge (off in the far corner), a large rack of books (containing the only copy of Online Stalking for Dummies known to exist) and various other nick nacks.
"You know this is becoming a problem."
*Hedgehog* stood up and began pacing the stone floor. He looked around at his friends and was saddened by the current situation and what it might mean for all of them.
"We have been attacked with more frequency as of late." He gestured to the fresh hole in the north wall. "Just last night, **Shooter** was booted out by the AcroBot and we haven't seen him since."
He sighed and shook his head.
"If we don't do something about this, and soon, I fear we all may be lost."
"Easy honey." GoofyPEST patted her partner softly on the arm. "Here, have a cookie."
"I don't.... " He stopped in mid-sentence and forced out the rest. "....want a cookie."
The collective gasp of the other 13 occupants of the Game Room dropped the air pressure of the room so dramatically a few pigeons, that were minding their own business, were sucked through the hole in the north wall and into the room.
*Hedgehog* never, ever, EVER, turned down a cookie.
Suddenly, the seriousness of this situation became quite visible to all. Even though this wasn't a Monarchy, or a Hierarchy, or even a Noahsarchy, *Hedgehog* was the one that everyone looked up to and respected above all others. Time and time again he had proven himself to be the true center of Camelot, even though he would deny this.
*Hedgehog* was also very modest.
And currently very worried.
"Um," *Hedgehog* looked around the room at the strained faces. "You can let out your breath now."
Not realizing that they had been holding it since the initial gasp, the 13 released their breaths all at once, quickly repressurizing the Game Room and shooting the visiting pigeons back out the hole in a burst of feathers.
"This is really bothering you, isn't it Hedge?" BeachSC walked over from the fridge and sat down on the Lame Couch*.
*Another mystery is the name of the couch itself. The Lame Couch, contrary to it name, had four perfectly good legs.
"Of course it is Beach." rebel82649 said looking up from her sweeping. Being the group's neat freak she had taken it upon herself to follow BeachSC around with a dustpan and a broom, collecting up all the sand left behind. "And to be honest, it should be bothering all of us. I have heard rumors that other kingdoms nearby have been totally wiped out by the AcroBot. For all we know, we could be next."
"You have a point rebel," *Hedgehog* nodded as he rubbed his beard between his thumb and forefinger in thought. "This could just be a prelude to an all out offensive. What do you think Sage?"
SageClaw didn't look up from his feeding of the Lame Dust Bunnies. Linty, Gummy, Icky and Bob all stood in a short little line taking the bits of hair, old LifeSavers(tm), unpopped popcorn kernels from Sage's hand. Well, it used to be a hand. Now it was just a metal construct that just resembled a hand.
A hand that did not resemble, in the least bit, something a human would own.
Even though he never talked about it, many whispered that he lost his hand in the IPO fallout of 2000. Others said it was a tragic Pop-Rocks/Coca Cola accident. No one knew the truth but SageClaw himself.
And he didn't talk about it.
Ever.
"I think," he spoke softly, not looking up from his feeding task, with his cloak hood obscuring his face. "That we need to prepare for war."
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(Continued)
"I think," He spoke softly, not looking up from his feeding task, with his cloak hood obscuring his face. "That we need to prepare for war."
"Sage, do you really think this is our only course of action?" *Hedgehog* asked still worrying his beard.
"Huh?" SageClaw looked up and turned his head in *Hedgehog*'s direction.
"You said we." He gestured to everyone around the room. "Should prepare for war and I was wondering....." *Hedgehog* was cut off by SageClaw's chuckling.
"Oh no," SageClaw stood up and pushed back his cloak hood. "I was just telling the girls here."
He pointed to the four animated piles of Bunny shaped dust.
"Seeing as how rebel has come after them time and time again with that broom and dustpan of hers." He shot a warning glance at rebel82649, who quickly put both hands behind her back and attempted to look innocent. "We needed to prepare for war."
He glanced around at all the faces looking at him, besides rebel82649 that is, with a puzzled frown.
"Why?" He turned to *Hedgehog*. "What are you guys talking about?"
*Hedgehog* sighed and started to rub his eyes with one hand. He liked SageClaw and the most part he appeared bright enough, but there were other times he seemed to have the attention span of a four year old.
A coffee drinking four year old.
"The AcroBot attacks." *FlaminRed* explained as she walk over to the hot-tub. "If they keep up we are all going to be booted out like Shooter last night. One of these times it might be permanently."
She pointed to the hole in the north wall.
"He got booted? I thought he was just in a hurry to leave." SageClaw walked over to the hole and looked out. "That is disturbing. I mean we have all gotten the boot from the AcroBot one time or another but if this.... HEY COOL! When did we get a moat?!?"
*FlaminRed* tapped flounder7, who was already enjoying the hot-tub, on the shoulder and pointed at SageClaw's back.
"I'll give you a dollar if you give him a nudge so he can take a closer look our moat."
"Hehehehe you are so mean." flounder7 said as she scootched over and made room for *FlaminRed*. "Besides which, you still haven't paid me for replacing all of his Oreo(tm) middles with Elmer's Glue."
*FlaminRed* slid into the water accompanied by a slight hissing noise.
"That's only because he didn't even notice."
flounder7 snickered at this.
"Of course he didn't notice. Heck, he only eats the things after dunking them in vodka."
Suddenly flounder7's face went beet red. She screamed and leaped out of the hot tub.
"For crying out loud Red!" She pointed at the now slowly boiling water of the hot-tub. "You do that EVERY TIME!"
"Is it my fault I am hot blooded Irish, flounder?" She smiled sweetly. "Or the fact that you forget every time?"
"No, I guess not, but still." flounder7 realized that she was the only one of the three that jumped out of the tub. "Falcon how can you stand it in there? It must hurt like hell."
FalconPain sat in the tub with an odd look of contentment on his face.
"And your point being?" He said through clenched teeth but the look of contentment never wavered.
"Never mind." She picked up her towel and started to dry herself off when she noticed that everyone else in the room had been watching this entire exchange. "What in the hell are you staring at!"
"NOTHING FLOUNDER!" Everyone screamed and looked at their shoes.
flounder7 was very sensitive about her condition. To be honest, very very very very sensitive was closer to the truth. When looking at flounder7, for the first time, you wouldn't notice anything "different" from anyone else until you looked at her eyes. Which, by themselves, were very attractive and pleasant to look at. It was their position on her head that made this "difference".
flounder7 suffered from a condition called "Mrs. Potato-Head Miss-Position". There were varying forms of this affliction and for some unknown reason this only affected women. Some had a nose where their mouth should be. Others had an arm sticking out the top of their head where their hair should be.
flounder7 had her eyes where her right ear should be. No one knew where her right ear ended up.
And no one was brave or stupid enough to ask.
"Yeah well let's keep it that way." flounder7 muttered to herself as she went back to drying herself off.
She really didn't mean to be so snippy but she was still pissed about the poker game the other night. It wasn't her fault that shigger thought she was looking at his cards. flounder7 couldn't help it.
For obvious reasons.
"Hey guys?" *Hedgehog* cleared his throat. "Not to interrupt or anything, but we still have a problem."
"No kidding." SageClaw agreed. "Did you guys know we don't have any water in the moat?"
*Hedgehog* closed his eyes and counted to ten. Sometimes that helped.
"AcroBot attacks, Sage. We need to do something about them before they get out of hand."
A loud BING BONG sounded throughout the Castle cutting off the rest of what *Hedgehog* was saying. Someone was at the gate.
Someone......
..... or something.
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(Continued Again)
Darkness filled the room. The only light source lit a small circle in the middle of the void. In the center of this cone of light knelt a lone figure.
An AcroBot knelt down, waiting for the response of his master from the latest news from the Acrophobia Front Lines.
"I am most pleased." A voice that hovered at the edge of being too deep for a human throat to make slid out from the darkness.
"Thank you, my Lord." AcroBot Prime swallowed nervously.
Nervous he should be. It wouldn't be the first time the Dark One said he was pleased only to finish the sentence with the lopping off of someone's head. It was that false sense of security right before the end that the Dark One enjoyed.
That and collecting small ceramic bunnies.
"Seriously Prime, I am pleased." The Dark One continued. "And not the 'lop your head off pleased' either."
"Thank you, my Lord" AcroBot Prime said and if it was possible for him to actually produce sweat he would be kneeling in a puddle of it.
"I am not kidding, Prime, I am very pleased with your progress to rid the Lands of Acrophobia of life." The Dark One continued. "And not the 'I said I wasn't going to lop off your head but now I will' pleased either."
"Thank you, my Lord" AcroBot Prime whined and tried to look as small as possible.
A sigh escaped the darkness.
"Prime?"
"Yes Lord?"
"What is it going to take for you to believe me that I am not going to lop off you head?"
AcroBot Prime thought about it. Then thought about it some more. And just a bit more to make sure he covered everything.
"Well?" The Dark One asked.
"If you could, my Lord," AcroBot Prime stammered. "Not be so pleased with me?"
"Fine," the Dark one conceded.
Then taking a deep breath the Dark One exploded.
"YOU SLOVENLY EXCUSE FOR A PROGRAM! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR C++ COMPILED ASS AROUND HERE! AM I GOING TO HAVE TO TURN YOU INTO A WEB PAGE COUNTER BOT BEFORE I GET SOME USE OUT OF YOU!?"
AcroBot Prime was knocked onto his C++ compiled ass.
"Is that more like it, Prime?" The Dark One asked resorting to his normal, albeit too deep tone.
"YES, MY LORD!" AcroBot Prime shouted with a big smile on his, well, what counted as his face.
The Dark One sighed again and wished, not for the first time, that he hadn't hired lackeys from the AOL shake-up. AOL had a way of screwing up a even the most decent program.
"I see that you have already vacated most of the kingdoms within Acrophobia. This is pleas.... " The Dark One notice that AcroBot Prime started to cringe again. "...this is pathetic."
"Thank you, my Lord." AcroBot Prime beamed.
"Now for the next step in my plan we will......"
**************Spoiler**************
This part of the Camelot Tale has been cut out so that the Camelot residents who come to this site will not be forewarned about the fate that will befall them soon enough.
**************Spoiler**************
"....... is that understood Prime?" The Dark One finished.
"Understood." AcroBot Prime said as he finished up his notes in his Palm III. Once again reminded of the fact that he forgot to buy milk. Seemed you actually had to look at that thing for it to remind you of anything. "One thing I don't understand, what is the deal with the Midget Wrestlers and the 20 gallons of blue stuff barber's keep combs in?"
"You will see soon enough." The Dark One chuckled, not a pleasant sound. "Now, about this plan you came up for the Camelotians in particular."
"Being carried out as we speak, my Lord." AcroBot Prime. "They will see that we are not to be messed with."
"Very good."
"Eeeeep!" AcroBot Prime dove out of the way of a 'lop' that never showed up.
"CUT THAT OUT!"
MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CASTLE.
A loud BING BONG sounded throughout the Castle cutting off the rest of what *Hedgehog* was saying. Someone was at the gate.
Someone......
..... or something.
"I'll get it." SageClaw yelled and took off down the hallway to answer the door before anyone could stop him. A few minutes later he reappeared his arms full of large white boxes.
"Okay, whoever ordered the 27 pizzas they owe me 405 bucks plus tip."
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(Continued Yet Again)
Hrrrmmm, where were we?
"Okay, whoever ordered the 27 pizzas they owe me 405 bucks plus tip."
Oh yeah, now I remember....
"Cool!" FlaminRed shouted as she jumped out of the hot tub. "Sage got pizza!"
"Ah hell," FalconPain sighed as the water quickly reverted back to it's normal temperature. "That was just starting to sting a bit."
The entire group mobbed around SageClaw and stripped him of pizza boxes, spare change, and the keys to his car.
"HEY!" SageClaw exclaimed from somewhere in the middle of the press. "Watch it! Some of those pieces are still attached!"
"Okay, what I don't understand," *Hedgehog* said tossing the last of his pizza crust into the pile of empty boxes in the center of the round table a short time later. "Who would do something like this?"
"Well if Sage hadn't been stuck with the bill," Fabby_Gabby spoke up as she was rummaging around for another slice. "I would have said it was him."
"Nah, not his style." shigger grabbed a lonesome slice before flounder7 could snag it. "You wouldn't want it Flounder... has anchovies on it."
"Ewwwww." flounder7 made a face, which was both horrible to look at but too fascinating to look away. Kind of like Survivor or some of the shows on the WB.
"JUST WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT!"
"NOTHING FLOUNDER!" Everyone chimed in with a quick look to see if there shoes were tied.
"Anyway," *Hedgehog* continued after the moment of uneasy 'not looking at flounder' had passed. "I am just wondering if this has anything to do with the recent AcroBot activity."
"Wonder no longer." SageClaw whispered half to himself. "It was that bastard Prime."
The room went completely silent and looked over at SageClaw. Sitting on the Lame Couch, he was busily typing in something on his laptop.
"Um, how can you be so sure?" rebel82649 said looking up from her sweeping from around the table.
"See for yourself." He set the laptop on the Lame Coffee Table and spun it around so that the screen was displayed for all.
The website was very blue with white lettering. At the top was the heading SageClaw's Homepage Of Random Madness. Slightly below that was the words Camelot (an Acrophobia Tale) (Continued Again).
"AcroBot Prime ordered those pizzas and cost me 405 bucks." SageClaw leaned forward and started tapping the tip of one of his metal claws on the table.
"Plus tip." GoofyPEST chimed up.
"Thanks Goofy." SageClaw frowned. "405 bucks plus tip. Anyway it says right here that they have a lot more planned for us and this pizza thing was just the first step."
"What else does it say?" *Hedgehog* walked over to get a better look at the website.
"Not much, the important stuff is blanked out." SageClaw leaned back. "Says something about 'This part of the Camelot Tale has been cut out so that the Camelot residents who come to this site will not be forewarned about the fate that will befall them soon enough.'. One thing is for certain, we are in for a lot of trouble."
"... we are for in a lot of trouble." BeachSC repeated just a fraction of a second behind SageClaw as she read from the site. "Look, it's updating the page as we speak."
And it was, as the rest watched the site, more words came up saying that they were looking at the site as the words came up.
"Oh come on!" FalconPain stood up suddenly and pointed at the laptop. "This is impossible. I mean this is a real web site that has a fictional story about us. So how can we, as the fictional characters in the story, read about themselves on a real world website?"
"Well because it is my story and I can do whatever I want to with it." SageClaw typed in.
FalconPain stared, with a shocked look on his face, at SageClaw sitting on the couch.
"How did you do that?!"
"Do what?" SageClaw looked puzzled.
"Type that in on the site." FalconPain looked like he was going to have a paradox attack.
"Oh I didn't," SageClaw shrugged. "The actual SageClaw that runs the site did. Keep in mind I am just a fictional construct of him. SageClaw is also the one writing this story so ... well like he typed." SageClaw looked at the screen. "He can do whatever he wants to with it."
"Be that as it may." *Hedgehog* started pacing and stopped trying to understand how this was possible thereby dodging the headache he was starting to get. "Can it tell us what we should be doing? I mean can it tell us what will happen next? That way we can prepare?"
"Unfortunately no." SageClaw spun the laptop around and started punching keys. "Seems like my real life counterpart is one lazy bastard. He hasn't updated this thing in a week. By the time anything was posted here it would probably be too late for us to find it useful. Besides, telling the future is impossible."
"Oh and that thing isn't?!" FalconPain threw up his hands and stormed away.
"Well more impossible, that is!" SageClaw shouted at FalconPain's back. "Guess we are just going to have to sit back and wait."
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(Continued Yet Again Part 2)
"Well more impossible, that is!" SageClaw shouted at FalconPain's back. "Guess we are just going to have to sit back and wait."
And this is where we would have had a long period of waiting. That is if Camelotians were good at waiting.
Which they are not.
Patience is not a word in the Camelotian Super-Abridged Dictionary and Lame Coffee Table Leg Support(tm).*
*While it is true that the Lame Couch has four perfectly good legs, hence the mystery of its naming, the Lame Coffee Table does have one short leg. So no mystery there.
"Okay we are here." *Hedgehog* pointed to the map that stretched across the round table.
*Hedgehog*'s finger rested on the land of Camelot. To the North was the lands of Cancun, North Cancun, Carnival, North Carnival , Catwalk and the Cavern. To the South was Caboose, South Caboose, Cabin, South Cabin, Broadway, Bridge, Brazil, Brain Dump, Bookstore, Bezerkley. No lands existed to the East or West. Just North and South. No one knew why this was, to be honest no one ever cared enough to ask.
It just was.
Even though this map didn't show it, there were rumors of lands much farther North and South than what was shown here. SageClaw, for instance, once mentioned that he came from a far North land called Skylab but migrated South because of the temperate climate that Camelot afforded.
"Reports have come in that the all the lands to the South are empty." *Hedgehog*'s finger slid down the map until it rested on the land of Bezerkley. "There were a few souls left here but they were quite mad and unable to tell what had happened."
"Two guesses on what happened," Lobojay spoke up. "And the first one doesn't count."
"Unless your first guess is AcroBots," shigger chimed in with a smirk.
"Hush." Lobojay shot a dirty look at shigger but followed it with a smirk of her own.
Everyone gathered around the table nodded in agreement.
"That would make sense." *Hedgehog* glanced over at SageClaw who was sitting on the lame couch busily typing away. "Any new posts to the website?"
SageClaw continued typing, completely oblivious to his surroundings.
"SAGE!" *Hedgehog* bellowed.
SageClaw's clacking of keys stop abruptly as he looked up.
"What?"
"Are there any new posts?" *Hedgehog* repeated slowly.
"Sure are!" SageClaw smiled.
"And?"
"Well I think most of them are fake but you wouldn't know it to look at them." SageClaw said glancing down at the laptop.
*Hedgehog* sighed and started rubbing his temple.
"What?" He was almost afraid to ask.
*FlaminRed* walked behind the Lame Couch and glanced at the laptop. She quickly looked away and started turning a bright shade of red. Even brighter than normal.
"He is on the Celebrity Skin website looking at nude pictures of Jennifer Lopez." *FlaminRed* cautiously opened one eye to make sure she saw what she thought she saw. "HEY! Is that link for Russell Crowe!?! "
*Hedgehog* closed his eyes and continued to rub his temples in hopes that the headache he was getting would go away.
"Sage what in the hell are you doing?" *Hedgehog* asked softly.
"Um, well, downloading porn." SageClaw only looked a little bit embarrassed. "Hey, I am over 18." He said in his defense.
He then noticed that everyone was looking at him from the round table, besides *FlaminRed*, who was trying to get him to go to the Russell Crowe link from behind his shoulder.
"Why, what are you guys talking about?" SageClaw asked puzzled.
"The Homepage of Random Madness," *Hedgehog* slowly said. "To find out if any new information has been posted."
"Oh," SageClaw said surprised. "Hang on."
He typed in a few things and waited.
"Nope." SageClaw shook his head. "Nothing new."
But he had a feeling that would change quickly enough but he couldn't place where this feeling came from.
"Okay, I propose a trip to a few of the Northern Lands to see what is what." *Hedgehog* said trying to ignore the whole SageClaw thing for a few minutes. Hopefully that would make his headache go away. "Who is up for a field trip?"
Everyone raised their hand without hesitation.
Well besides SageClaw and *FlaminRed* who were looking at his laptop. This, only after SageClaw gave into *FlaminRed*'s insistent poking that he go to a specific link she had seen earlier.
"It's a fake." SageClaw said.
"Are you sure?" *FlaminRed* leaned closer to the screen and squinted.
"Yeah, you can see the seam where they cut his head from some other picture and pasted......"
"Ahem!" *Hedgehog* cleared his throat loudly, cutting off SageClaw's explanation.
Both SageClaw and *FlaminRed* looked up.
"Huh?" They both said in unison.
"Field Trip. Up North. Check things out. You in?" shigger stood up and put on his coat.
"Oh hell yeah!" They both exclaimed and scrambled toward the door.
The entire Camelot tribe gathered what they wanted to take with them and headed out the gate. Headed out to adventure and the unknown. The promise of untold excitement was thick in the air. No one knew what awaited for them but they all had a feeling that it wouldn't be boring.
*
*
*
*
*
"Well that was the biggest waste of time I have ever spent awake!" SageClaw exclaimed as he kicked open the gate of Game Room. He made a beeline to Lame Couch where he continued to pout after he flopped down. "And I have seen John Tesh in concert."
"I don't know what you are complaining about," FalconPain said coming in right behind him brushing the dust off his shoulder. "No one twisted your Claw to come."
rebel82649 brought up the rear of the group with her broom and dustpan.
"For crying out loud! Wipe your feet at least!"
"Sorry rebel." The group apologized with heads held low.
"It's not that." SageClaw crossed his arms across his chest as the pouting resumed. "I mean I thought it would be exciting or at the very least we would see something BUT NO....all we saw was land after empty boring land. I mean where were the clues, where was the "REDRUM" scrawled in blood on the walls, where was the "CROATOAN" carved in a tree or the beer... WHERE IN THE HELL WAS THE BEER!!"
SageClaw paused with a weird look on his face.
"Oh hell." He sighed.
"What's wrong?" flounder7 asked.
"When I crossed my arms.... um." Finally he actually looked embarrassed for the first time that anyone could remember. "I think I stabbed myself in the side with my claw."
He lifted his non-claw arm and looked down. Sure enough all five points of his metal appendage were sunk into his ribs. Not deeply mind you but it did look painful and really really oogy. The responses to this varied.
"Ewwwww!"
"Yuck!"
"Ack!"
"Mooooooooo!"
flounder7 shook her head.
"Hang on, I'll get the peroxide." She smiled sweetly at SageClaw. "The Extra Stingy Brand Peroxide."
"Eeeeeep!" Was all SageClaw could manage.
FalconPain mumbled something about some people having all the luck as he rummaged around in the fridge.
"Well while Sage is being tortur..." *Hedgehog* caught the nasty look flounder7 shot him, which in her case made it all the more nasty looking. "...ahem while he is being un-punctured. Does anyone have an idea on what we should do now?"
"Order more pizza?" BeachSC asked hopefully.
There was a scream of agony from SageClaw even though founder7 wasn't anywhere near him yet.
"Oh, don't be such a baby!" flounder7 chided SageClaw as she sat next to him and took a look at the claw. "Okay, this might hurt.... a lot."
She grasped the back of the claw firmly and yanked.
"****!!!" SageClaw shouted.
"Wow, I bet that hurt." flounder7 said as she looked at the five wounds. "I am surprised you didn't curse."
SageClaw glanced down at her.
"But I did," he said puzzled.
"Well I didn't hear you." flounder7 doused a large patch of cotton with Dr.Excruciating brand Hydrogen Peroxide(tm). "But I probably will this time."
She pressed the cotton against the wounds.
"Holy ****!!!" SageClaw screamed this time.
"Hey I saw your mouth move on the last part, and I have an idea on what you said... but I didn't hear a thing." flounder said.
"Oh no," *Hedgehog* glanced over to the open gate to the Game Room. "You know what that means."
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(....... um.... well you know.....)
"Holy ****!!!" SageClaw screamed this time.
"Hey, I saw your mouth move on the last part, and I have an idea on what you said... but I didn't hear a thing." flounder7 said.
"Oh no," *Hedgehog* glanced over to the open gate to the Game Room. "You know what that means."
"****!" SageClaw exclaimed and stood up. "You know I hate that almost as much as the booting."
"WHAT?" flounder7 asked still not getting it.
"AcroBots are near." rebel82649 gripped her broom tighter. "First thing that goes is the cursing. Next comes the booting."
"Well, we will be okay." *FlaminRed* glanced around nervously. "I mean, we know they are coming. So no surprise there."
"I am not so sure about that." SageClaw looked around but not out of nervousness.
He was looking for something.
SageClaw walked around to the edge of the Lame Couch and knelt down cautiously. All four of the Lame Dust Bunnies, Linty, Gummy, Icky, and Bob, stood in line looking up at SageClaw.
Stood very still.
Too still.
"Hey girls." SageClaw reached out slowly with his metal appendage and gently poked Bob in, what I would guess would be, her shoulder. If there was such a thing on a Lame Dust Bunny. "How you doing?"
Bob, fell over backwards, flat on her back, if there is such a thing for a Lame Dust Bunny.
A little too flat.
SageClaw picked up Bob and held her sideways. It wasn't Bob at all. For that matter it wasn't a Lame Dust Bunny either. It was just a cardboard cut out of Bob, the Lame Dust Bunny.
"Mother ******!" SageClaw growled. "We are in for it now!"
"What is it?" *Hedgehog* jogged over to SageClaw.
"Take a look at this." SageClaw handed the cardboard cut out to *Hedgehog*.
"Oh no." All of the color drained out of *Hedgehog*'s face. "This means that...."
SageClaw nodded as he took the Bob shaped piece of cardboard back.
"Welcome to JavAcro people." A voice from the entryway of the Game Room sounded. "I have your eviction notice right here. Shall we get started with the booting?"
All eyes turned to the entryway. Standing there, with a small army of AcroBots behind him, was AcroBot Prime.
"You son of a *****." SageClaw crumbled up the cardboard piece that looked like Bob and hurled it at Prime.
The ball of cardboard bounced harmlessly off Prime's chest.
"Now now, you know we don't like that type of language," AcroBot Prime chastised with a crooked smile. "Besides which, I figured you, most of all, would appreciate the change of scenery while you were gone."
SageClaw's face hardened. As much as he hated to admit it, it was a damn clever plan. JavAcro was an exact duplicate of the Lands of Acrophobia. Exact in function but with some very bad side effects. One of which was the ease for people to get booted, sometimes even without the aid of an AcroBot. It was a paper thin copy of the original. Which also made it a very slanted battle ground to fight AcroBot's on.
And AcroBot Prime knew this better than anyone which way that slant went.
"So, do we do this the easy way or the fun way?" AcroBot Prime asked. "Makes no difference to me. I get paid the same either way."
"We are not bothering anyone!" *Hedgehog* jabbed an accusatory finger at AcroBot Prime. "What gives you the right to try and get rid of us?"
"Well, you are wrong on two counts." AcroBot Prime held up two fingers and counted off. "One, you are bothering someone and he has employed me to get rid of you. Two.... we are not here to 'try' and get rid of you. We will do it. One way or another."
"Oh yeah?" *FlaminRed* walked over and stood next to *Hedgehog* and SageClaw. "Well, I guess we are going to have to do this the fun way then."
One by one all of the Camelotians walked over and stood by one another in a show of force.
"If you insist." AcroBot Prime practically yawned.
He raised his hand but was stopped before he could give the order to attack.
"Oh no you don't," SageClaw interrupted as he broke from the pack and stood face to face with AcroBot Prime. "You owe me 405 bucks there Prime," he whispered dangerously. "And I plan on taking it out of your C++ compiled *** before anyone else gets involved."
"DON'T FORGET THE TIP!" GoofyPEST shouted.
"Shhhhhhhh!" The rest of the group quickly hushed her.
"What do you say, Prime?" SageClaw smiled with a frosty glint in his eyes. "Or do you need to check in with your boss first? I mean just because he can't remember to pay the light bill, he seems like a reasonable psycho."
"How did you know...." AcroBot Prime stammered.
flounder7, without taking her eyes off those two, reached behind her and closed the lid of the laptop softly.
"Well?" SageClaw continued to smile.
AcroBot Prime regained his composure slightly as he ran his hands down the front of his black suit jacket.
"As you wish." AcroBot Prime smiled himself, showing perfectly straight white teeth. "Stand where you are Bots."
AcroBot Prime brushed past SageClaw and walked to the center of the Game Room. The rest of the Camelotians scrambled around and took seats on the Lame Couch and passed around the popcorn. SageClaw turned around and faced AcroBot Prime.
"Time for the Face Off Round." AcroBot Prime announced. He turned to the group on the Lame Couch. "Please chat amongst yourselves."
"Boooooooo! Hisssssssssss!" A few even threw handfuls of popcorn at him.
AcroBot Prime stood there dressed in a black suit, white shirt, black tie, dark sunglasses. SageClaw stood there dressed in a long gray cloak that hid any evidence of what he was wearing underneath. The both stood there looking at each other, neither one wanting to make the first move. Neither one wanting to be the one to make the second move.
With surprising speed, SageClaw reached into his cloak and pulled out a board about the size of a hardback book and held it in front of him. AcroBot flinched and then chuckled when nothing happened.
"What are you going to do. Hit me with that and give me an owwie?"
"No, not exactly," SageClaw replied.
He reached over with his claw and ran the sharpened tips slowly down the length of the board. The god awful screech of his nails against the chalkboard filled the room. Quickly drowned out by the horrified screams of everyone else. AcroBot Prime screamed as well and clutched his ears. SageClaw dropped the board, dove to the left, snatched the Camelotian Super-Abridged Dictionary and Lame Coffee Table Leg Support(tm) from under the bad leg of the Lame Coffee Table, and slammed it down on AcroBot Prime's fully exposed noggin with all his might.
Everyone on the couch erupted with cheers.
AcroBot Prime stood up slowly and glowered at SageClaw, who just stood there with the book in his hands and a dumbfounded look on his face.
AcroBot Prime didn't even have a hair mussed out of place.
Panicked, SageClaw turned the book over in his hands. The title was Camelotian Super-Abridged Dictionary and Lame Coffee Table Leg Support(tm) but in smaller print in the corner was the words 'Manufactured by NERF(tm). For use in JavAcro only'.
"Well ****!" SageClaw tossed the book down, only to have it bounce away oddly.
"My turn." AcroBot Prime grabbed SageClaw by the throat and forced him into a headlock.
The pressure was too much for SageClaw. He sank to his knees under the weight of AcroBot Prime's strength. He tried to fight back but it was like fighting an undertow. Soon enough SageClaw had his face pressed against the floor of the Game Room. The sound of ripping paper filled the entire area. A spot directly under SageClaw's eye tore open only to revel... nothing. AcroBot Prime was going to push him right through the floor of JavAcro and into nothingness.
"You hear that Mr. Anderson?" AcroBot Prime whispered through clenched teeth into SageClaw's ear. "That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your death."
AcroBot Prime watched the hole open wider under SageClaw's head.
"Goodbye Mr. Anderson."
"My name," SageClaw gasped through clenched teeth of his own. "Is SageClaw!"
"NO WAY!!!" FalconPain jumped off the Lame Couch. "You can't do that!!"
Both SageClaw and AcroBot Prime stopped their struggling and looked up at the ranting FalconPain.
"You know I was going to let the black suit and sunglasses thing go," FalconPain stopped waving his arms in the air and pointed at AcroBot Prime. "I mean I didn't know where you were going with that but now.... COME ON! This a straight rip-off of the Matrix and you can't do that!!?!"
"But I like the Matrix." *Hedgehog* pouted a bit. "And this was just getting good."
SageClaw and AcroBot Prime untangled themselves but stayed seated on the floor.
"You know, he's right." SageClaw admitted, brushing a bit of carpet fluff off his ear.
"Yeah, I guess." AcroBot Prime agreed. "But Hedge is right. It was just getting good."
"IT DOESN'T MATTER!!! YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!" FalconPain was starting to turn a shade of red that didn't look healthy. "I put up with the us looking at your website thing for information and I even put up with the fact that you turned me into some sort of freak with a pain fetish ... but this... THIS IT TOO MUCH!!"
"Fine... fine..." SageClaw stood up and brushed off his pants. "Let's start over again right before the AcroBot were described...."
*
*
SageClaw nodded as he took the Bob shaped piece of cardboard back.
"Welcome to JavAcro people." A voice from the entryway of the Game Room sounded. "I have your eviction notice right here. Shall we get started with the booting?"
All eyes turned to the entryway. Standing there, with a small army of AcroBots behind him, was AcroBot Prime.
"Time out guys... this is getting kind of long to start this all over again.... we are going to have to pick it up later." SageClaw made the T-sign with his hands.
"Ah come on... that's not fair!" rebel82469 cried.
"Well sorry, I have taxes to do and well... I am trying to keep all of these posts the same size... so." SageClaw shrugged. "You all are just going to have to wait..."
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(......... Oh just look up top.......)
"....then Steve Case* tells me that my job has been dissolved." AcroBot Prime shook his head.
*Steve Case head of AOL for those of you who didn't know. If you did... well tpppppppt... :)
"Man, that is rough," *Hedgehog* agreed.
A few other of the Camelotians nodded as well.
"And with today's job market being what it is...." AcroBot Prime let the last bit go unsaid with a shrug.
"Well at least you didn't go into Telemarketing," FalconPain pointed out.
"Oh no... I couldn't do that." AcroBot Prime looked shocked. "That would just be wrong."
SageClaw suddenly stood up.
"Oh crap they are back!" He shouted. "Places everyone!"
The AcroBots who were sitting at the Round Table, playing another round of poker, dropped their cards and scrambled to the doorway.
"Oh come on!" flounder7 exclaimed as she held up her hand to show everyone. "I had a royal flush!"
"Not now flounder." *Hedgehog* quickly scurried around to find his mark on the floor. "I know it was around here somewhere."
"Over here Hedge." SageClaw pointed to the tape X on the floor next to him.
"Thanks, Bud."
"No worries."
With everyone back in their places as we left off last week, SageClaw looked at AcroBot Prime standing in the entryway to the Game Room and said.
"Um..... Line?" He glanced back to *FlaminRed* who was sitting on the couch with his laptop on her knees.
" 'You son of a *****.' SageClaw crumbled up the cardboard piece that looked like Bob and hurled it at Prime.' " *FlaminRed* read word for word off the website.
"Oh yeah." SageClaw smiled. "Thanks. Um... anyone seen the Cardboard Bob prop?"
"Over here," GoofyPEST said as she picked it up and then handed it to SageClaw.
"Thanks again." SageClaw squared his shoulders. "Everyone ready?"
"Yep."
"Uh huh."
"Sure thing."
"I want a cookie."
Twhap!
"Thank you Beach." *Hedgehog* spoke up as he shot a dirty look at shigger who was rubbing the side of his head.
"Okay, here we go." SageClaw cleared his throat.
"You son of a *****." SageClaw crumbled up the cardboard piece that looked like Bob and hurled it at Prime.
The ball of cardboard bounced harmlessly off Prime's chest.
"Now now, you know we don't like that type of language," AcroBot Prime chastised with a crooked smile. "Besides which, I figured you, most of all, would appreciate the change of scenery while you were gone."
SageClaw's face hardened. As much as he hated to admit it, it was a damn clever plan. JavAcro was an exact duplicate of the Lands of Acrophobia. Exact in function but with some very bad side effects. One of which was the ease for people to get booted, sometimes even without the aid of an AcroBot. It was a paper thin copy of the original. Which also made it a very slanted battle ground to fight AcroBot's on.
And AcroBot Prime knew this better than anyone which way that slant went.
"Do we really have to go through all of this again?" FalconPain asked interrupting the scene. "If I wanted to re-read this, I will just go the previous page of this story. We want something new!"
There was a general agreement sound from the crowd.
"Okay, okay." SageClaw held up his hands.... well his hand and his claw.
*
*
*
The AcroBots swarmed past Prime and filled the Game Room. On one side we have a bunch of AcroBots looking ready to boot some butts. On the other the Camelotians, looking ready to get booted.
Needless to say, it didn't look good.
AcroBot Prime walked over to his group of goons and faced his enemies. Each one of the bots was an exact replica of the next one. Each one was human shaped as they had legs, arms, head but instead of any features they were just black outlines with tracings of green electric looking flashes that streaked across their forms.
"Blue flashes." rebel82649 said.
"Really?" SageClaw asked unsure.
"Yep." rebel82649 replied knowing that SageClaw was blue/green color blind and she liked to help out when she could.
"Thanks." SageClaw smiled.
These blue flashes were brighter and more intense on AcroBot Prime, also he was the largest of the group. SageClaw could remember back when he first ran into the AcroBots. They had started out being forms of magnetic media, then they evolved into shinny aluminum coated in plastic and now this. Things had certainly changed a lot since the early days.
"So Sage," AcroBot Prime practically purred with delight. "What are you going to do now?"
"Oh nothing much," SageClaw replied cautiously. "NOW!"
With that word every single Camelotian ran for the exit like lemmings over a cliff. The gate slammed shut as the last one passed the entryway. AcroBot Prime just stood there with a puzzled look on his face. Well what you would call his face.
"What in the hell was that all about?" AcroBot Prime looked back at his group of Bots.
They all just shrugged and looked just as puzzled as their boss.
"So now what do we do?" One of them asked.
AcroBot Prime scratched his head. This was not going the way he had expected. Leave it to the Camelotians to do something against the grain of rational thought.
"Um, I am not sure," AcroBot Prime admitted. "I guess we go back to head quarters."
"Not so fast Prime." SageClaw said as he swung open the gate of the Game Room. Behind him was the rest of the Camelotians that had just left.
And they didn't look like they were ready to get booted any more.
They looked pissed!
"You still owe me 405 bucks. And you aren't leaving till I get it."
"Plus tip," GoofyPEST growled.
This sudden change of attitude frightened AcroBot Prime because he couldn't understand it. What was going on? The green flashes quickened in pace as they raced across his form.
"Blue." rebel82649 piped up.
"Oh yeah, thanks."
"You think you can win?" AcroBot Prime tried to sound sure of himself but failed when his voice cracked on the last syllable. "We still have the upper boot here in JavAcro! You can't possibly think you will survive!"
"May I?" SageClaw indicated to the Lame Coffee Table.
Without waiting for a response from AcroBot Prime he walked over and pulled the Camelotian Super-Abridged Dictionary and Lame Coffee Table Leg Support(tm) from under the bad leg of the Lame Coffee Table. He moved over and faced AcroBot Prime, holding the book in both hands. Well one hand and one claw.
"We have been through this already Sage." AcroBot Prime gained some confidence.
"Then you wouldn't mind?" SageClaw asked hefting the book.
"Not in the least." AcroBot Prime smiled knowingly and bowed his head a bit to give SageClaw a better shot.
SageClaw raised the book over his head and swiftly brought it down on AcroBot Prime's blue flashing noggin.
The TWAPPPTTT! could be heard at least two game rooms away and practically shook the foundations of Camelot.
AcroBot Prime dropped to the floor like he had been unplugged.
"Hoooow is that possssssible?" AcroBot Prime asked groggily trying to raise his head to look at SageClaw.
SageClaw held the book in front of AcroBot Prime's face. It was the actual Camelotian Super-Abridged Dictionary and Lame Coffee Table Leg Support(tm) and not the Nerf(tm) one he was hit with earlier.
"What is that doing here?" AcroBot Prime tried to stand but only fell to the floor in a heap. "It's not supposed to be in JavAcro."
"That's because we aren't in JavAcro anymore." *Hedgehog* spoke up.
"What?" AcroBot Prime stopped trying to get up and just lay there.
"We all logged out and then logged back on," flounder7 explained with a big smile on her face. "Figured that if you could pull a switcheroo on us, we could do the same to you."
"Not to mention we had an entire week to figure and plan it out." SageClaw knelt down and got face to face with AcroBot Prime. "Do you want me to give you a minute before we start wiping the floor with you and your pals?"
"Um that would be very sporting of you," AcroBot Prime conceded.
***Author's note; Sorry guys have to stop right here for tonight. Will do another post tomorrow night. The fight scene that I want to do will take an entire post and then some not to mention that I am running kind of long on this one. So come hell or high water I will get this fight scene done and up tomorrow... Promise.***
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(...Click Here Before Reading On...) *Broken will fix soon
"We all logged out and then logged back on," flounder7 explained with a big smile on her face. "Figured that if you could pull a switcheroo on us, we could do the same to you."
"Not to mention we had an entire week to figure and plan it out." SageClaw knelt down and got face to face with AcroBot Prime. "Do you want me to give you a minute before we start wiping the floor with you and your pals?"
"Um, that would be very sporting of you," AcroBot Prime conceded.
"Yeah, I guess it would." SageClaw nodded to AcroBot Prime. Then without warning he quickly drew back his foot and punt-kicked AcroBot Prime right in the head, who promptly crumpled fully to the floor unconscious again. "Too bad I hate sports."
"Okay people!" SageClaw shouted, ignoring the shocked look on everyone's face, including the AcroBots. "Grab a Bot and let's show them how we do things here in the castle!"
Everyone scrambled left and right. Chairs flew, children screamed, cows mooed, a chicken crossed the road. Why? Oh never mind.
*Hedgehog* and his AcroBot circled each other. The AcroBot held his fists in front of his chest in the standard boxer's stance. *Hedgehog*, on the other hand, held both fists high up near his face and pointed inward in a fighting stance not seen in years.
"What in the hell is he doing?" rebel82649 shouted to flounder7 as they both held off their attackers.
flounder7 shook her head.
"Hedge is from the old school," flounder7 explained ducking an AcroBot kick. "I hear his social security number is 4."
"Wow," rebel82649 slid sideways to avoid getting hit and brought her broom down on her AcroBot's head. "That's pretty old."
Each of them punched and each of them dodged, neither *Hedgehog* or his AcroBot landed anything. Then by a fluke, the AcroBot landed a grazing punch on *Hedgehog*'s chin.
"Oww." *Hedgehog* rubbed his chin lightly.
"That's it! Nobody move!" Came a voice from the entryway. A man dressed in a black business suit and carrying a briefcase strode over to the AcroBot that had just hit *Hedgehog*.
"I am Bernard Jankowitz, Attorney at Law for Sega Enterprises of America and I have a cease and desist order for you." He reached into his jacket, pulled out a tri-folded sheaf of papers and handed them to the confused looking AcroBot.
"Huh?" The AcroBot unfolded the papers and tried to make heads or tails of it.
"You struck Mr.*Hedgehog* did you not?" Bernard Jankowitz questioned, pointing to *Hedgehog*.
"Well," The AcroBot started. "You see we were fight..."
"Yes or no answers only please," Bernard Jankowitz stated firmly, interrupting the AcroBot.
"Yes." The AcroBot answered slowly.
"Well we at Sega of America take our intellectual property rights very seriously Mr.AcroBot." Bernard Jankowitz took off his glasses and polished the lenses with a handkerchief before putting them back on his face. "And if you see it is necessary to abuse our rights then we will see you in court."
"But I hit *Hedgehog*, not Sonic the Hedgehog!" The AcroBot whined.
"And for not using the proper (tm) at then end or Sonic the Hedgehog(tm). I have this for you." He reached into another jacket pocket, pulled out another tri-folded sheaf of papers and handed them to the AcroBot. "Violation of Trademark Licenses."
"But?! But??!" The AcroBot stammered. "This *Hedgehog* is not your Hedgehog."
"I have heard enough." Bernard put his two fingers into his mouth and blew a shrill whistle.
Two burly NYPD cops bustled into the room. Each grabbed an arm of the AcroBot who was still holding the incomprehensible legal documents.
"Take him away boys." Bernard Jankowitz. "The charges are Abuse of Intellectual Property, Violation of Trademark Licenses, and breaking a Restraining Order."
"Wait a minute!" The AcroBot struggled against the two mountains of NYPD holding on to him. "What restraining order?"
"Oh," Bernard Jankowitz reached into yet another jacket pocket, pulled out yet another tri-folded sheaf of papers, and stuck them into the open mouth of the AcroBot. "These restraining orders."
The two NYPD officers dragged the muffled AcroBot out of the room.
"Thanks Bernie." *Hedgehog* walked over and clapped Bernard Jankowitz on the shoulder. "I owe you one."
"Happy to do it Uncle Charlie." Bernard smiled. "Besides if I didn't, mom would never forgive me. And you know how cranky she can get."
"Yeah." *Hedgehog* knew that all to well.
"You are next!" The AcroBot pointed a glowing blue finger at Fyre-N-Ice
Fyre-N-Ice who had been sitting quietly on the Lame-E-Boy(tm) recliner, minding her own business, looked up from the book she was reading. She primly raised an eyebrow in question at the AcroBot.
"If you insist." She put down the book and stood up. She smoothed out the wrinkles in her long pleated skirt with her hands in small precise movements. "I'll be just a moment."
Without another word she walked over and ducked behind the Lame Couch. The AcroBot paused from this act. Man, these Camelotians sure knew how to go against the grain. Why couldn't they just get booted and be quiet about it like everyone else.
With great flourish and thunderous "HAAAAIIII!" Fyre-N-Ice vaulted from behind the couch, turned a tight summersault and landed on the Lame Coffee Table in a crouch. Gone was the pleated skirt, white blouse, penny loafers and glasses. From toe to just below her eyes she was wrapped in a tight black gi*. Her long auburn hair was tied in a ponytail accented with a red headband. In each hand she grasped a separate wakasashi** with the blades held backwards, towards her body. One glowed with an inner amber light, the other a soft, shimmering bluish white.
* Ninja Pajamas...
** Japanese short sword....
"Toka sei nei wah!" She whispered harshly glaring at the AcroBot.
The AcroBot tapped SageClaw on the shoulder without taking his eyes..... well without looking from Fyre-N-Ice.
"What did she just say?" The AcroBot asked worriedly.
"Um, I am little rusty in my Japanese," SageClaw replied still wrestling with his own AcroBot. "But roughly translated it means 'Your ass is mine.'"
"Eeeeeeeeep!" The AcroBot screamed and ran away.
Fyre-N-Ice vaulted after him, waving her blades in a complicated pattern.
SageClaw, shigger, and the two AcroBots they were fighting stopped to watch Fyre-N-Ice chase after the openly weeping, and running, AcroBot.
shigger nudged SageClaw with a chuckle as Fyre-N-Ice lopped off the head of another AcroBot that got too close to her as she chased after the first one.
"You know, it's always the quiet ones." shigger pointed out with a big smile.
A loose AcroBot arm sailed past so close SageClaw had to duck.
"Hehehehe, yeah, no kidding," SageClaw laughed.
He glanced down at the book Fyre-N-Ice was just reading.
Ninja Ass Kicking for Dummies.
Well that explained a lot.
"COME ON!" FalconPain shouted at the AcroBot in front of him. "YOU HIT LIKE A GIRL!"
The AcroBot pulled back his arm and slammed his fist dead square into FalconPain's face.
"You have got to be kidding me." FalconPain smiled as a small trickle of blood leaked from the edge of one nostril. "I have been hit with trout harder than that!"
The AcroBot looked at his fist and then back to FalconPain. That had to hurt like a bitch but this Camelotian appeared to be very calm and well, almost bored. He cranked up and let another punch fly, this time into FalconPain's stomach.
This time FalconPain actually yawned.
"Be sure to wake me up when you get serious," FalconPain smirked.
*
*
Will we ever find out what happened to **Shooter**?
Will we ever find out what weathermom has up her sleeve?
Will SageClaw ever finish a post without making us wanting to know what happens next?
Tune in next time... when that will be... (shrug) your guess is as good as mine. :)
Camelot
(An Acrophobia Tale)
(....... ****YOU HAVE BEEN DISCONNECTED****........)
SageClaw opened his eyes.
Clean white ceiling tiles.
He closed his eyes.
The black darkness of closed lids.
Open.
White.
Close.
Black.
"Well this is getting old real quick," he sighed to no one in particular.
Opening his eyes once again he turned his head to get a better look around.
White walls.
"Cripes, a little color wouldn't hurt."
He couldn't remember why he was lying down. Come to think of it, he couldn't remember where he was lying down. He propped himself on an elbow and noticed he was in bed.
Not his bed.
"Oh lord." A brief shock of panic ran though him.
He glanced to his side.
Nope, he was alone.
"Thank goodness for little favors."
This wouldn't be the first time he had awaken in a strange bed. Or a strange room. Or in a strange country with a small child with a foreign accent playing with his feet.
Strange bed? Check. Strange room? Check. Strange country and small child with a foreign accent? He glanced around the room. Nope... well as far as the small child thing went, that is. He was all alone in the small room.
No windows. Just a chair, a bed, and a door.
All white.... as if you couldn't guess by now.
The door latch snicked and a nicely shaped woman in a nurse's uniform slinked in.
Finally, SageClaw got it. He was still asleep and dreaming. Nurse dreams where among his favorite. Those and the ones where he was the manager of an All Girl Whipped Cream Factory. A Factory in the middle of an emergency where the vats had exploded and covered all of the female employees with whipped cream. SageClaw never paid any attention of the whirring sound in the background of all these dreams.
The sound of Freud spinning in his grave.
"Ah, you are awake." The nurse looked at her clipboard. "Mr. Claw is it?"
"That would be me." SageClaw smile largely. "Time for my sponge bath?"
The look of disgust flashed so quickly across the Nurse's face and back to normal that SageClaw almost didn't catch it. This was not a good sign. That could only mean that he wasn't dreaming. The only time he ever got that disgusted look was during his waking hours.
Damn it.
"No, the doctor will see you now." The nurses face remained neutral as it was when she first walked in. "If you will follow me."
SageClaw slid out of the bed and took a look at his jammies as he stood up. Not the one piece with the footies that he was used to sleeping in. Two piece institutional green. He looked at the nurse to ask a question but she was already heading out the door.
He followed silently behind the nurse past a number of non-descript door till she stopped at one with a name plate.
DR. JOHN HAMMOND
"You can wait inside," she said and held open the door for SageClaw.
He walked past her into the carpeted office. Nice, warm, wood, leather, indirect light. The door shut behind him and he stood there wondering what to do next. Before he could decide a door on the other side of the office opened up and a tall brown haired man reading another clipboard walked in.
"Please, have a seat." The Doctor didn't look up from the clipboard as he took his own seat behind the desk.
SageClaw continued to just stand there and wait for the doctor to finish reading.
"So Mr. Claw." Dr. Hammond looked up and was surprised to see that there was no one sitting in the chair he was looking at. Embarrassed, he pointed to the seat across from the desk. "Please, have a seat."
SageClaw took the seat and glanced around the office.
"Shrink huh?"
Dr. Hammond smiled a warm, practiced smile.
"Well if that is what you would like to call me, that would be fine with me."
SageClaw nodded.
"And call me Sage if you don't mind." SageClaw mirrored the warm, practiced smile back at the doctor. He took a small pleasure in seeing the uneasy look that gave the doctor. "Mr. Claw is my father's name."
"Very well, Sage. And your father's first name?"
"Thyme."
"Very humorous, Sage." The doctor didn't repeat the false smile.
"Thank you." No smile here either.
"I guess you are wondering what you are doing here?" Dr. Hammond looked down at the clipboard.
"Nope." SageClaw yawned.
The doctor looked up, surprised.
"You don't want to know why you are here?"
"I have a bed to sleep in, and I assume you are going to feed me." SageClaw shrugged. "So why worry about the why?"
"Very well." The doctor and SageClaw said this at the exact same time.
Dr. Hammond frowned at this.
"Jinx." SageClaw smiled as he said this.
They both stared at each other without saying a word.
SageClaw decided to cut him some slack.
"Okay, Dr. Hammond." He stressed the Dr. Hammond part only to make sure he didn't break the jinx. "Where would you like to start?"
The doctor paused only for a second before speaking.
"So tell me about Camelot."
************ Meanwhile in another part of the country****************
*Hedgehog* sat in a small padded white room hugging his knees, rocking back and forth while repeating the same line over and over.
"Ack! I want a cookie."
"Ack! I want a cookie."
"Ack! I want a cookie."
************ Meanwhile in yet another part of the country**************
*FlaminRed* looked over at the nurse and asked for the hundredth time or so.
"Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
************ Meanwhile back in the doctor's office****************
"Where would you like me to begin?" SageClaw sighed.
END NOTE
And there you have it. The recovered Camelot Tale in its entirety. I know you may be wondering "That's it? It ends like this?!?" or even "Thank God, that's over with.". I don't know what to tell you... that's it.... but I will give it a shot.
Between the second to last chapter and the last one here, Acrophobia and the Acro-Bots won the battle in the real world. Acrophobia shut it's proverbial doors and that was the end of it. We all knew it was coming. The part of the story about the other lands being empty, well that was based on what was happening in real life. Slowly but surely most of the other 'rooms' in Acrophobia were emptying out. Whether this was due to lack of interest, moving on to other things, I can't say. We, as Camelotians, held out for as long as we could but it wasn't meant to be.
Shortly after the fall of Acrophobia there was a mad scramble to find something that we all could agree on to keep the 'family' together. This didn't pan out so well. The thing we all had in common before was our love for Acrophobia, we just couldn't seem to find another common thread in a game.
The magic was gone.
We started to drift apart. Went on to other things. Tried to keep in touch with a "How are you, what have you been up to.." letters but it was like using a staple gun and a piece of cardboard to patch up the hole in the Titanic.
It just wasn't going to happen. No matter how hard I tried.
There was a brief moment of hope though, in a game called Acrochallenge. It was the game we were looking for. It was Acrophobia reborn, even if it was in a low tech / no flash / no frills sort of way. That was the reason I started that last chapter. It was going to be the starting point of the new Acrochallenge story line.... the problem being, no matter how much Acrochallenge was like Acrophobia... it wasn't Acrophobia. It was like when the X-Files replaced Mulder with that guy from Terminator 2. It was still the X-Files but it just wasn't the same.
There are times when change is a good thing. This time, though, it was not for me. So I fell out of touch with all of it.
There was never a point where I just said "Okay, today is the day that I just stop having anything to do with Camelot and the people there.". It was gradual and years later, I am sitting in Iraq, listening to rain (believe it or not) hitting my container, typing this out and I regret that it happened.
Regret sucks.
Then again, you probably knew that already. : )
****
On another side note, if you want to try a game like Acrophobia please take a look at Acrochallenge. It is a lot of fun and I am slowly getting back into it. DO NOT however try to play the zombie bastardized version of Acrophobia on Uproar.com under any circumstances. Even though it's replicated closely, they did things to it that almost made me weep. Uproar.com represents the worst offenders of Internet spam, popup and money grubbing I have ever seen. Stay away.